Why is it that sometimes when I stop and look at my life I think, what the hell are you doing with yourself. I am supposed to be a happily married women with two wonderful children and my life should be a bed of roses. However, in reality IT SUCKS. I have a husband who is more annoyed with everyone and everything than happy and two children who behave like monsters most of the time. Today being a typical example, and perhaps I should explain a bit more about me. I am currently trying to give up smoking, I have been trying for nearly 2 years and am now on a drug called Champix (or something like that), anyway, it has side effects which are beginning to hit me after nearly 3 days of taking the pills, for me they have been headaches, tiredness, nausea and dizziness. I should also point out that I suffer from depression and am currently on medication for this as well, which can interfere with the stop smoking medications I am now on. Today has been the hardest day for me, I haven't been feeling my best and the kids have been.... well to put it nicely trouble. My dearest husband, and I say this in the nicest possible way was also behaving like a child. He thinks it is a good idea to shout and scream at the children. Now i know that they wind him up but really shouting at them is not the way to handle it. I dare not say anything as I know it will end up in a row. So I sit there quietly and then he turns to me and starts on me and all I want to do is cry, but if I do that then he moans and groans and says in a sarcastic way that it is all his fault which makes me feel upset and I want to cry some more. So I say nothing and want to run away. I know that I am not the easiest person to live with and it can sometimes feel like you have to walk on eggshells when around me but there isn't much I can do about that as I have depression and it makes me go crazy sometimes. It's not every day that I feel like this but as I am on medication to help with the smoking and so at the moment I'm fragile. I just want some support and understanding and I just don't get it. I just want some help with the kids that doesn't involve shouting and screaming. He works, I don't. I deal with the kids every day, 24 hours a day which I am usually content with and love doing but when I am on a down day or not feeling so brilliant some help and understanding would be nice. But I suppose that that is too much to ask for.
Tomorrow is supposed to be a family day out, we are supposed to be going to Bletchley Park, taking mum and dad with us, as dad doesn't get out much since he has come home from hospital but I don't want to go. I would much prefer to stay at home on my own but I mention that and it causes another grumpy and humpy comment from him. So I will go and pretend to be happy so my parents don't get worried about me and to keep him from moaning and to not let the kids see what is really going on as i don't want to ruin their day. But that's my life it never is about me which is why I developed depression, I don't take care of me I make sure that everyone else is happy. More about how I developed depression later on as this blog is becoming my life story as a wife, mum and me.
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