Quitting Smoking

I have been smoking for over 15 years. I started, stupidly, when i was 18 years old. A friend of mine, who I was very close too, was a smoker and we were at a club, Raquel's, in Gray, Essex. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy, and she offered me a cigarette. I, of course, said yes, or there wouldn't be any point in me quitting smoking now would there? I say that this was when I started smoking but I first tried a cigarette when I was a lot younger. I was at Woodlands School at the time and was on the mound with a group of girls who were smoking, they offered me one and I tried it, thinking that I was going to be propelled into the cool kid category, but instead, I threw up and coughed and spluttered my lungs up. It was disgusting, the most vile thing I have ever tried in my life. I must have been about 13/14 at the time, and yet at the age of 18 I had started smoking, now when I tasted this cigarette, I wasn't sick or coughed my guts up. And so my journey as a smoker started. Right through college and Uni I had a group of friends that would smoke alongside me, so I was never left outside in the cold on my own.

I smoked up until I was about 20 years when I was sick and tired of getting chest infection after chest infection so on New Years Even 1999, I made a resolution that I would never smoke again.

I didn't and as far as I was concerned, I had become a non-smoker. I met my husband and never told him that I was a smoker before I met him and this continued on until I started working as a Business Operations Administrator for a, now non-existent, cable company. I had been in the job for nearly 2 months and that was it I started smoking again. I kept it from my husband and only smoked at work but then the habit came back fully and I was smoking over 20 a day. I had to tell him and he was disappointed.

Since that time in my life, I have continually smoked, I stopped briefly for while I was pregnant with my two children but soon started again when they were born.

The chest infections and bronchitis came back and I would suffer every winter with a horrible cold and would hardly be able to breath.

So I decided in 2008 that i would have to give up smoking and so in the New Year in 2008, I did exactly what I did in 1999. I stopped. However, this time round, I couldn't do it alone. So I tried, the patches, but they hurt my arm so very much that I couldn't stand it anymore.

I then tried the gum. Yuck. It didn't help and made me feel sick.

I tried the inhalator but that made me smoke even more.

I tried everything, and have been trying everything new in the market since 2008 with no success whatsoever.

Eventually, 2 weeks ago I went to see my local Stop Smoking Clinic and saw the nurse. She asked me usual questions, how many do you smoke? how many do you smoke really? What type? When do you smoke? What have you tried to stop smoking?

We talked for a while and I had been told about a new medicine, Champix, which stops you wanting a smoke. So I asked her about this drug and she assessed me to see if I could take it.

She was concerned, because of my depression. However, she gave me the drug, warned me of the side effects and told me that if I felt suicidal then I was stop the medication immediately.

Week One:

I started off fine with the medication until approximately day 3 when I started to feel dizzy and lost my appetite. I was told to continue smoking throughout and see them again in a weeks time to check my progress. So I continued smoking and with the sickness, smoking was the only thing that made it go away. The sickness got worse and in fact I was sick a couple of times. It was the worst feeling ever. Kids were on their Easter Holiday at the time as well so having to keep them amused when I was feeling rubbish was not an easy thing to do. However, I persisted with it and despite the sickness, dizziness and sleepiness I carried on smoking and carried on taking the tablets.

Second Visit with the Nurse:

She wanted to know when my quit day would be. I have until day 14 of taking the medication to give up smoking completely and then I get another packet of medication to continue on the course. I told her that I would quite on Wednesday 14 April 2010, being day 13 of the programme. I did this, because I wasn't sure that I would be able to stop, I wasn't convinced that I had the willpower to do it. She looked disappointed. I was still enjoying smoking and couldn't see me stopping at all.

Week Two:

My week two started on the Friday 09 April 2010. And I smoked through Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Monday, I was at the doctors with David and wasn't feeling very good myself. I had no energy whatsoever to the point where I couldn't do the kids lunch so I brought them chips instead (something that I rarely do) and my husband had to make dinner when he got home from a very busy day in the office, which was totally not fair on him. However, I didn't smoke all day as I made a deal with myself that I wasn't allowed to touch a cigarette until after I had had my second tablet for the day. I was going to make my cigarette ( I smoked roll ups) and had no papers. I hunted high and low in the usual haunts but nothing, not one. So I had no choice but to not have one. I was sad that i couldn't have one and at the same time really annoyed with myself for getting myself worked up about it. So I went to bed.

That was 3 days into Week Two of the programme and today (Tuesday 13 April 2010) I haven't smoked. In fact, this morning, I put my tobacco and filters into the bin. I have also told the kids that if I am out with them and I go to buy anything like that they are to scream and shout "you promised not to smoke again" which will make me feel guilty. So as off today, I am a person, who is trying to stop smoking.

I still feel rough and sick all the time and still have no energy but I am hoping that that will get better with time. We will have to wait and see.

Day Trip to Bletchley Park

Well today we went to Bletchley Park for their Easter Trail. We took mum and dad and all in all it was a good day. Felt okay this morning for a change. Dad was tired out by about 2pm so came home earlier than we normally would have. The kids did the Easter Trail which was interesting but of course all they wanted to do was to answer the questions given in the trail and move on to the next area, but they are kids at the end of the day. They both loved the computer museum and it brought back some memories for my husband with the first computers that he used. Discovered that they have a computer fair in June so as our tickets last a year we might go back and have another look without my parents as we can access the areas that dad couldn't get too. Was great to have Dad out and about today, he hasn't been out in such a long time and although he was totally knackered by the time we got home he really enjoyed it.

However, the day wasn't all happiness. Let me explain. Dad has an electric wheelchair and in order to take him, mum, hubby and our two kids, we had to take both cars. Now Dad's wheelchair is not a lightweight thing and in order to get it into the boot of my car you need to dismantle it and its awkward. So we got to my mum and dad's and I said that I was going in to help mum get dad downstairs, I should point out that he is usually bed bound since he came home from the hospital (I will explain all this later in another blog) and that he lives in a first floor flat and so we have to get him onto a stair lift and put together his electric wheelchair so it is a lot of lifting and carrying. Then getting Dad into the car is the next challenge that you have face, but my delectable husband decides to sit in the car and watch me struggle getting the wheelchair into the car. I'm used to it so I didn't let it bother me. Then when we left Bletchley Park, he phoned my mum to ask if they were going round ours for a cuppa and dad just wanted to get home, so he suggested that he took my oldest son home and he would meet me there, knowing full well that I would have to repeat the process of this morning again and after walking for a few miles and supporting dad's wheelchair over difficult bumps and holes, my back was killing me.... literally. So dad suggested that we all go back to his for a cuppa. We got there and my husband instead of going the way that leads to mum and dad's takes the road that leads to our house. Apparently he forgot the conversation that was had no more than 45 minutes ago. But he did come realise and help.....eventually. Then instead of helping with dad on and off of the stair lift, he marches upstairs and sits in the living room.....apparently knackered.

All in all a good day apart from the glitches but I surprised myself, I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as I did have the right hump yesterday and although I didn't sleep very well I was quite upbeat this morning.

Now the rest of the week might be something else though, as it is the start of the Easter Holidays for my two children and although we are going to be going out at some stage during their break I am not sure when as it completely depends on the weather. With any luck it won't be raining the entire time or I might just go completely mad as they will get very bored very quickly. So I am planning things. What I call my emergency plans in case the fun things I have planned for outdoors have to be placed on hold. I wonder if I can make "clean their bedrooms" into a fun activity to do, or "help me with the washing". I suppose it is a case of................ watch this space...............

What the hell..........

Why is it that sometimes when I stop and look at my life I think, what the hell are you doing with yourself. I am supposed to be a happily married women with two wonderful children and my life should be a bed of roses. However, in reality IT SUCKS. I have a husband who is more annoyed with everyone and everything than happy and two children who behave like monsters most of the time. Today being a typical example, and perhaps I should explain a bit more about me. I am currently trying to give up smoking, I have been trying for nearly 2 years and am now on a drug called Champix (or something like that), anyway, it has side effects which are beginning to hit me after nearly 3 days of taking the pills, for me they have been headaches, tiredness, nausea and dizziness. I should also point out that I suffer from depression and am currently on medication for this as well, which can interfere with the stop smoking medications I am now on. Today has been the hardest day for me, I haven't been feeling my best and the kids have been.... well to put it nicely trouble. My dearest husband, and I say this in the nicest possible way was also behaving like a child. He thinks it is a good idea to shout and scream at the children. Now i know that they wind him up but really shouting at them is not the way to handle it. I dare not say anything as I know it will end up in a row. So I sit there quietly and then he turns to me and starts on me and all I want to do is cry, but if I do that then he moans and groans and says in a sarcastic way that it is all his fault which makes me feel upset and I want to cry some more. So I say nothing and want to run away. I know that I am not the easiest person to live with and it can sometimes feel like you have to walk on eggshells when around me but there isn't much I can do about that as I have depression and it makes me go crazy sometimes. It's not every day that I feel like this but as I am on medication to help with the smoking and so at the moment I'm fragile. I just want some support and understanding and I just don't get it. I just want some help with the kids that doesn't involve shouting and screaming. He works, I don't. I deal with the kids every day, 24 hours a day which I am usually content with and love doing but when I am on a down day or not feeling so brilliant some help and understanding would be nice. But I suppose that that is too much to ask for.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a family day out, we are supposed to be going to Bletchley Park, taking mum and dad with us, as dad doesn't get out much since he has come home from hospital but I don't want to go. I would much prefer to stay at home on my own but I mention that and it causes another grumpy and humpy comment from him. So I will go and pretend to be happy so my parents don't get worried about me and to keep him from moaning and to not let the kids see what is really going on as i don't want to ruin their day. But that's my life it never is about me which is why I developed depression, I don't take care of me I make sure that everyone else is happy. More about how I developed depression later on as this blog is becoming my life story as a wife, mum and me.